Winning Manuscript
from:
National Pre-teen Corp

Writers' Intl. Forum proudly served as judge in
National Pre-teen Corporation's Short Story Competition for 2000.


JESSE FINDS OUT
by Kendra Altemeyer

(8-year-old 1st Place winner in the Junior Division of
National Pre-teen Corporation's Short Story Competition for 2000)


 

    

“Oh, Mom, it’s beautiful. Thank you so much.”

Jesse Herman and her mom Kim were eating lunch at a restaurant in the mall. Kim had just given Jesse a gold necklace with the words, “#1 Jesse” on the front. It was the prettiest necklace that Jesse had ever seen. She threw her arms around her mother and gave her a big hug.

Jesse asked Mrs. Herman if they could go to the bike store. Kim said, “yes.”

They went down to the bike store and her mother wanted to look at this really cool bike for her baby daughter Caroline, who was also Jesse’s baby sister. Kim let Jesse go look at the bike that Jesse wanted for herself because she needed a new bike. Jesse saw this really colorful horn to go on the bike that she was getting. Jesse went into the horn aisle and her mother went into the baby bike aisle and they lost sight of one another.

A friendly-looking woman came up to Jesse and said, “Hello, Honey, may I help you?”

Jesse answered, “Yes, I am looking for the price of this horn.”

The sales woman asked where Jesse had found it.

Jesse said, “Right here, in this aisle.”

As they were speaking, the sales woman’s cell phone began ringing. The woman answered and said, “Hello. . . oh, just a minute. . . Honey, is your name Jesse?”

Jesse said that it was.

The woman said that Jesse’s mother was on the phone and that she was at the toy store waiting for Jesse. As she hung up the phone the sales woman suggested that she accompany Jesse to her mother.

Jesse quickly looked on the aisle where she had last seen her mom, but Kim was not there. Unfortunately, her mother was on the NEXT aisle, where Jesse couldn’t see her. But Jesse did not think of that.

Jesse agreed to go with the woman to find her mother. As they were walking out of the store, the woman asked if Jesse knew the way to the toy store. Jesse said that she did and that it was all the way across the mall. The woman asked if Jesse would like her to drive Jesse in her car around to the toy store, since it was such a long walk.

Jesse said, “Sure,” and they went out toward the woman’s silver “punchbuggy” car. As they were crossing the parking lot, Jesse saw her father going into the mall. She said to the sales woman, “Oh, you won’t have to take me to my mom; my dad can do it. Hi, Daddy!”

But as Jesse started toward her father the woman grabbed Jesse around the neck and started dragging her toward the silver car. Jesse suddenly realized that the woman was not really her friend and she began to cry.

Jesse’s daddy saw the woman struggling with Jesse and yelled, “What are you doing with my child?”

Jesse hollered as loudly as she could, “Daddy, she’d kidnapping me! Help!”

The fake sales woman grabbed Jesse’s necklace and yanked it so hard that the clasp broke. She shoved Jesse toward her father and ran to the silver punchbuggy, got in, and drove away.

“Oh, Daddy, she took my beautiful necklace that Mom gave me,” Jesse was sobbing. She threw her arms around her father and held on tight.

“Honey, are you okay? You are more important to me than any necklace,” her father said. “It can be replaced, but there is only one Jesse. What were you doing out here with a stranger?”

Jesse answered, “She said that Mommy was at the toy store and had called her from Mom’s cell phone and told her to bring me to Mom. So I thought we were going to drive to the toy store to find Mommy. Can we call Mom on your cell phone and find out where she really is?”

As Philip Herman called his wife, Jesse listened carefully. When she heard that her mother was still at the bike store she started to shake because she realized that she had been in grave danger, but now she was safe.

Philip handed the phone to Jesse. Kim demanded to know if Jesse was all right.

Jesse said, “Yes, I am fine, but that mean lady took the necklace that you gave me.”

“That doesn’t matter, honey, what really matters to me is you.”

Jesse asked her mom what aisle she was on. Kim said, “Number five.”

Jesse said, “No wonder I couldn’t find you; I looked on aisle number three. We’ll come get you right now, Mommy.”

As Jesse and her father walked back to the bike store, he asked Jesse if she had found out anything from her day.

Jesse said, “Today I learned never to go with anyone else besides my family members.”

“I learned something, too,” said her father. “I learned to always look both ways and listen carefully to be certain no one is being kidnapped!”

 
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kendra Altemeyer is an 8-year-old from Fort Myers, Florida. Her short story won 1st Place in the junior division short story competition sponsored by the National Preteen Corporation. She accepted her award on-stage at the Annual Miss National Preteen Pageant in Orlando, Florida, on November 24th, 2000.
Kendra writes: "I enjoy swimming, writing stories, roller-blading and riding my bike and scooter . Someday, when I grow up, I want to be a rock star. I already have a band and the name is, 'God's Girls.' Our first song is called, "Do You Remember," and I wrote the lyrics by myself. I also enjoy competing in pageants and playing with our little poodle, Sparkles. When I was in first grade, I entered a writing contest in Fort Myers and I won fourth place for the entire school."  

 
EDITOR'S COMMENTS

Highlights:

Kendra is any 8-year-old author whose story tackled as important subject that youngsters face--to be wary of strangers. Kendra carefully set up a familiar scene and created a realistic plot. But the strength of this fine story is in the details that Kendra used to make the story come alive.

For instance, the necklace is inscribed with specific words. That necklace is important to the story because it starts the story, it becomes the way in which the fake sales person knows Jesse’s name, and, in the end, Jesse realizes her safety is more important than losing the necklace.

Both Jesse and her mom look for specific items in the store--the horn and a baby bike for sister Caroline. Then, as the fake sales lady escorts Jesse to the parking lot, this author uses another detail, a slang term common to today’s youngsters--a “punchbuggy”--to describe a Volkswagon car. This makes the story rich with details and described in a way familiar to young readers. Good job, Kendra!
 
 
READER COMMENTS

From North Fort Myers, Florida:

"Awesome job! I liked your story alot. It had some really good detail in it. Keep writing!!!"
--Lauren Zager

Comments from two special readers in Brownsville, Texas:

"Great Job Kendra!!! Although I enjoyed your reading it in Orlando--Tears are in my eyes now because I am so proud of you!!! Keep up the good work!!!"
--Grandma Sandy

"Your Grandma has printed out your story and sent it on to several people. We are very proud of your ability to write and express good ideals & values."
--Grandpa Larry

From Alva, Florida, more special comments:

"Congratulations, Kendra! Can't wait till we read your NEXT story! Get started on it SOON! Love, Grandma Ruth and Grandpa Bob"
--Ruth Ann Maurer

Comments from Scottsburg, Indiana:

"This story shows a lot of insight for a child this young. Congratulations, Kendra!! From a friend in Indiana--"
--Sue Holland

Comments from Goshen, Indiana:

"I was totally taken by the story as it moved along quickly with wonderful detail! Kendra's ability to take us through the story - from start to finish - with such clarity and suspense - caught me unaware. I forgot that I was reading a story written by someone so young. Kendra, you are mature beyond your years! My hat is off to you and my heart is full! This will be just one of many, I know! Enjoy your gift!"
--Kendra Cross

Comments from Morrison, Illinois:

"This story was very exciting to read. You used great detail and made learning a valuable lesson fun and interesting. I love to write and it's fun to see other young writers stories. Great job! Keep up the good work!"
--Kathryn Poulter

Comments from Fort Myers, Florida:

"Great job Kendra! Keep using that vivid imagination and you can do anything you set your mind to! Maybe you will be the next John Grisham! Keep up the good work."
--Tami

Comments from Lehigh Acres, Florida:

"Kendra, your gift for story-telling is just that - A GIFT FROM GOD. As an 8-yr-old, you have not studied 'Short Story 101' nor do you understand situation seeds, incentive moment, suspense building, minor & major climax, let alone denoument, yet you have incorporated them with the skill of a master story-writer. Thank GOD for His gift, and DO KEEP WRITING!"
--Pam Jensen

Comments from Houghton, New York:

"Kendra, your story shows that you are a talented writer and a good thinker. It also shows that your parents have taught you important things. You have listened and remembered. Even better, you are sharing them with others in a memorable way. The impact of your story may well save some other girl's life someday. Congratulations! I have known your mom since she was 19 and your dad almost that long. They are very special people and it is obvious they are raising a VERY special daughter. Please give them both a hug for me!"
--Jo-Anne Young

Comments from Austin, Texas:

Great Job Kendra! Keep writing short stories!
--Aunt Lynn


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