Jared scrambled into the wooden boat. Across the bay, the ruins of Urquhart Castle stood guard over the lake. The water looked cold and eerie under the gray sky. Jared grinned. Loch Ness was the perfect home for a monster. Though Jared and his parents would be visiting Scotland for two weeks, they'd only be at Loch Ness for one day. Jared hoped that would be enough time to find Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. “Mr. MacLeod, will you take me near the castle?” Jared asked the owner of the boat. “The book I read said that's where Nessie has been seen.” “Aye,” said Mr. MacLeod, putting the oars into the water. “I'll take you fishing there. Not monster hunting!” Dad waved as the boat slid away from the dock. “If you catch the monster, you'd better throw it back,” he called. “That's not Mom's idea of a souvenir!” Jared leaned forward in the bow. He ignored the green hills rolling down to meet the water. Instead, he studied the waves rippling the loch's surface. But no monster appeared. The castle grew larger as they approached. This is where Nessie will come up, thought Jared. The water is deeper here. Mr. MacLeod baited his hook and cast out his line. Jared did the same and continued scanning the loch. “I wish Nessie would show up,” he said. “Never want that, Laddie. The beastie is a terrible sight.” Jared spun around. “You've seen Nessie?” A muscle twitched in Mr. MacLeod's weathered cheek. “Aye. One foggy morning it rose from the deep about a hundred meters from my boat.” His eyes met Jared's. “I do not wish to see it again.” “Wow! Did you get your name in the newspaper?” Mr. MacLeod smiled. “I would not tell the dailies. They might write that I was a bit daft.” “If I saw Nessie, I'd tell the whole world.” “And what about the beastie?” asked Mr. MacLeod. “The scientists would want to examine it.” Jared shrugged. “They'd never catch her.” “They could kill it,” replied Mr. MacLeod. The tip of Jared's fishing pole plunged downward. Jared tightened his grip and fought to hang on. “Reel her in, Laddie.” The water swirled. Dozens of fish leaped into the air. “It's Nessie!” Jared shouted. “She's scaring the fish.” With a quick snap, his line went slack and the water stopped churning. “Nessie took my fish,” said Jared. Mr. MacLeod shook his head. “Salmon are strong. This one was a wee much for you.” “But the water was bubbling. Something big was out there.” “Nothing more than feeding salmon,” replied Mr. MacLeod. He eyed the clouds and reeled in his line. “We best be heading in. A bit of weather is coming.” Jared sighed. The wind blowing across the loch sent icy needles of pain into his ears. His stomach felt shaky from the rocking boat and his toes were numb from the damp cold. But he didn't want to leave. He wanted to find Nessie. As Mr. MacLeod rowed toward shore, the clouds let loose. Jared strained to see through the downpour. Suddenly a dark hump broke the loch's surface. “It's Nessie! Straight ahead.” Mr. MacLeod stopped rowing. “Be warned, 'tis a great and fearsome beast.” Nessie was supposed to be thirty feet long. Jared felt small in the ten-foot boat. Jared waited for the dark hump to surface again. He saw it at the same time that Mr. MacLeod burst out laughing. “'Tis only otters playing in the rain!” Mr. MacLeod said with obvious relief. Two otters chased each other through the waves. Then they dove underneath. Jared's hopes of finding Nessie sank with them into the murky depths. Later, after the rain had stopped, Jared hiked down the hill below the decaying walls of Urquhart Castle. They would be leaving Loch Ness after his parents visited the castle ruins. At the water's edge, Jared peered into the mist hovering over the loch. “Good-bye, Nessie,” he said. In front of him, the water erupted. Again fish leaped into the air. Nessie's head and long neck snaked up like a submarine's periscope. She rose to the loch's surface. Foamy sheets of water slid off her huge back. Jared trembled. His legs refused to run. He tried to yell, but the words came out in a soft whisper, “Mom! Dad!” Turning toward the sound, Nessie bared her jagged teeth and hissed. Jared stared at the prehistoric head. Nessie's eyes looked ancient, as if she'd been the first creature on earth. They were cold and reptilian, but Jared saw an awareness in them, too. For a moment, neither he nor Nessie moved. With a final hiss, Nessie turned and glided away, disappearing into the mist. Jared whirled and scrambled up the grassy hill. Wait until everyone hears about this. Then he remembered the look of intelligence in Nessie's eyes. Was Mr. MacLeod right? Would the scientists hurt Nessie? Jared stared into the mist. “Seen any monsters?” Dad asked, stepping out from behind the castle's wall. Jared shrugged. “The beastie must be a wee bit shy,” he said. Without looking back, Jared followed his dad away from Urquhart Castle. |
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Linda Herman of California has been published in a dozen magazines, including “Highlights for Children.” She was seven when her dad told her about Nessie, and she's been interested ever since. Linda suggests that writers should always read their stories out loud, but this time, she found it particularly helpful to have it read by someone with a Scottish brogue. |
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TOP WINNING STORY Linda gave our judges a straightforward, clear story that is very suitable for the 8- to 12-year-old age audience that she intended for this story. From the outset, the audience understands the setting, the characters, and plot of the story. The plot is typical of many adventure stories--to find a long-lost treasure or some mythical monster. Linda's rendition of this story stands out from others, making it our top prize-winning story in our Summer 1999 competition, for several reasons. MAIN CHARACTER IN CONTROLFirst, Linda knew that a successful children's story lets the young protagonist be in control of the plot. In this case, her main character, Jared, wants to find Nessie. The wise local boatman discourages it, but doesn't forbid it or over-explain his reasons. Jared has the chance to make this great discovery for himself. When he does make his discovery, the choice is still his--wheather to tell others about Nessie or not. He makes his own choice, based on the wisdom he gained from the boatman, but the choice is all his.FLAVOR AND FUNThe accent and viewpoints of Mr. MacLeod add flavor and fun to this story. Familiarity is important, and we have that with the typical young boy's sense of adventure. But the pleasure of Mr. MacLeod's voice and attitude lift the story with vitality.STRONG VERBS AND DISTINCT DESCRIPTIONS ADD TENSIONEven in the simple scenes presented in this story, Linda has added drama by use of strong, active verbs and distinct descriptions. Note the first two verbs in the story: "scrambled" and "stood guard." Already a scene of action has been established. Linda dosen't overdo her strong verbs or descriptions but uses them strategically, with each adding tone and propelling the story forward as appropriate. For instance, the tension of Jared's hopes for finding Nessie are dampened with two more strong verbs ("dove" and "sank") and a "murky depth" description that sets a defeated tone. "Then they dove underneath. Jared's hopes of finding Nessie sank with them into the murky depths."But Jared's defeat is short-lived. And, just as Jared discovers the treasure he seeks, so this fine author won herself our top winning prize for this clear, active and fun tale. |
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